Bracing Myself For Re-entry

 Yesterday I was talking with my girls and K and I was remarking that re-entry back into home country life is far more difficult than one would expect.  I think maybe this was the first time that I had been honest about that with my girls.  I think for me the part that has been (and will be) challenging is realizing that my experiences abroad - the crazy highs and the impenetrable lows - are really not of interest to people at home.  I don't think it is because of a lack of trying - but living in a different soul stretching place for so long often falls is out of the depth of (domestic) understanding.  Feeling uprooted  - while trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy and routine for my family - has often been difficult for me.  

But I have done it before and I will do it again.  

And naturally I am a bit wiser this time.  I think it is important to capture my story in a way that my girls can relate to.  I was woefully unprepared for how untethered it all felt.  Intellectually I knew that all of the displaced feelings were coming my way but I didn't realize how important it that they be caught and acknowledged somewhere - even if it was just back to me.  

And I am feeling the feels now.  The dread of moving.  Of starting over again.  Practically moving back into our home.  Of life without Matt for a while (a few months at the moment)

But this time I am trying to keep going.  For the kids.  For myself.  I am lucky that my kids are demonstrating a kind of resilience that I have not had much of this calendar year.  So I am leaning into my presence with them more than I ever have.  

I love my friends in Macau. My truly authentic friends I have here and I can see and speak with often.  And it is a magical moment in time.  

So I am doing what I can to celebrate and be present and to capture with these people I love and have with me here.  And to thank them for allowing me to share my voice with them.

Woman Friends

 I have always prided myself for being independent.  Maybe this was a defense mechanism because I didn't have many friends growing up.  But being an adult - and especially a mother - requires more  friends and support than I ever thought was imaginable.  I have been so incredibly lucky to have a frontline of such incredible moms that are simply a small drive or a walk away here in Macau.  I have often felt very ambivalent about living in Macau but these authentic relationships have truly sustained me in all of my times here.  I am especially grateful for D - who was a trusted exercise buddy from my last stint here and with whom I emoted through our sweat as a proxy for our well of tears before the sun rose.  This was many moons ago, but this was truly life affirming for me and is something I will cherish forever.  Despite all of the glamour and excitement that is often this strange life that is Macau I have really enjoyed getting to know my mother friends from all over the world as we navigate this strange, strange place we call home for now.

A Little Ray of Sunshine

 

The other day I had an intellectually stimulating conversation.  I realized then how infrequently I really have these type of conversations of late (though I have had a multitude of real conversations for which I have been extremely grateful for).  I reached out to an old colleague and we talked about how to design retail, dining, and entertainment spaces, entertainment in general, and (indirectly) how we moved on from this great institution we began our careers at but for a variety of reasons we are both no longer with.   

 

From time to time this kind of work comes my way (recently more shopping and regional entertainment focused) and sometimes I am not sure how to go about it – as I have lived more in theme parks than the ‘shoppertainment’ world outside of the parks (a tough nut to crack from a design standpoint no matter how you slice it – as it seems that one goes about designing malls more from a land availability standpoint versus a greenfield / ‘the sky is the limit’ one).  I really enjoyed speaking with B – not only is he wicked smart but he is kind, generous with his time and passionate about the work he has done.  Recently I have felt a bit discombobulated and speaking with him was so energizing that I found it hard to fall asleep in the best possible way.  Recently I am really trying to understand my ratio of inputs to outputs – and I realize I am in a space where there are more inputs that I am actively trying to pare down.  I realize that my esteem is actually based on a version of output – hence my desire to resurrect this blog after many years of dormancy.  So the output is not just the trickle of consulting work – and the esteem and expertise that comes out of it – but also just to give a concrete place to my thoughts – for which there have been many recently. 

 

B helped me think through an issue for a potential consulting gig – but more than that he reinforced in me some optimism that my life filled with gigs and wayward travels, and with no prescriptive path – can be fulfilling.  And for this ray of sunshine, especially in this season of discombobulation, I am truly grateful.